And the whole world changed...

It's been a long time since I sat down to blog on this site. 2 years, and my whole world has changed...

It's funny to me that the last post that I wrote was about a date I had gone on with a Catholic man, because 5 months after that date, I went on another with a different man who happened to be Catholic, and thus began the journey of falling in love with, and marrying the love of my life.

He'll show up, I'm sure...on posts from here on out. But for now...I'll head back to work.

The Catholic Question

So...there I was, on a date with a man who I thought was going to at least be a good date, if nothing else. I have to admit, I had a bad attitude going in--having woken up that morning rather emotional and achy...and having a strong desire to remain in my yoga pants straight into Sunday morning. However, I had been emailing this stranger for about a month and a half, and I figured I should at least show up like I said I would. That whole "let your yes be yes" business gets me every time.

It also doesn't help that I am a food snob. Yes, a legit snob. I love fresh unprocessed foods, because well, they love me. They don't make my body feel icky and they keep fibro symptoms and migraines at bay. But this guy decided we would meet at Applebees, and even as my nose wrinkled at the thought, I decide I can be a non food snob from time to time.( Of course, even as I write this I still sort of feel like everyone just needs to come to the light and be a food snob with me, but I digress...)

I drove an hour and 20 minutes through the fog (but yes, I did have shoes on and I didn't really have to drive uphill, just north ;-) ). I get there and he's there waiting. He doesn't seem to recognize me which I find odd because my pictures clearly look like me online. No surprises--that's my policy! We are quickly ushered to a table when the talking begins, and goes on, and on, and on, and on for 2 hours and 45 minutes. Perhaps he was nervous...perhaps not so suave with the social skills...both things I can overlook to some degree...but after about 2 hours, I think I may have said a total of  5 sentences. The conversation was odd too...ranging from bullying to grandma's with dementia, to living at his parent's house with chickens, to his Catholic young adult group. Yes, I know...you're all jealous.

After a few hours of this I took a short(ish) trip to the bathroom to heal my swirling introverted brain. I tried not to look like a crazy woman as I took deep breaths at the sink and splashed water on my wrists. I took a resolved breath and headed back to the table. And FINALLY...there it was-- a question all for me to answer on my own! I could barely contain my glee...until---

He wanted to know why I don't choose to be Catholic anymore. Having grown up in the Catholic church and now attending a non-denominational one, I am used to answering that question to other non-denominational Christians. But, explaining that to a Catholic (and an evidently die-hard papist) was a new one for me and I had to gather my thoughts for a few moments. Let me preface with the fact that I deeply respect the faith of my childhood. It's where I first learned that Jesus loves me, where I first heard His voice, and where I first experienced the supernatural in a powerful way. However, as I grew older, I really longed for a community of believers who were in love with Jesus like I wanted to be. I wanted to rip open the word and examine it for all its treasure, and I wasn't finding that in my life at the time...and through a series of circumstances in college, I did find that deep community, and it just so happens that I chose not to be Catholic anymore because knowing God in such an intimate way was that powerful. And one thing I have always found difficult in the Catholic church is the strong reliance on others (be it priests or deacons) to tell you what God means and is thinking. I realize pastors do this too...but they usually also deeply encourage you to discover this on your own and in a small group with others as well. I realize there are some Catholics who do have all of this...and if I had, perhaps I'd one day have that Catholic wedding I dreamed of as a child. ( and who knows? Maybe still will if the circumstances are right.)

Now did I get to say these things? Nope. Because in reality, he was looking for a certain answer to the prescribed question. He listened to about 3 sentences while looking down at the table and then interjected with his thoughts...including the fact that a transubstantiated host doesn't contain gluten. My celiac stomach that once forgot and took communion was inclined to disagree (albeit silently).

He hasn't called.

Needless to say, I am less than heartbroken, although I have learned to pray for him.

Here is my take away from this:

1.) I now know how to succinctly answer the Catholic question to all denominations
2.) That there is something worse than not feeling beautiful--it is a man making you feel like you have absolutely nothing interesting to say.  :-(

and

3.)  Be the listener and question-asker I'd want someone to be for me.

Even on bad dates, God is present. Amen?

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger--for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. ~ James 1:19-20

A Change of Theme.

As evidenced by the lack of consistent blogging, it's been a busy few years of working full time as well as being a full time student. Writing began to feel like more of a chore than a blessing or an outlet....but recently I can feel the tap-tap-tapping of God on my heart to write again. I think I will continue to share the delicious gluten-free (now paleo) things that I make, but mostly I take them from other bloggers. So, I'm changing my theme a bit. It's still about Coming to the Table...but more so all the things that we come to God's table with in a day, all the life to life things that we think about and pray about and carry (or drag kicking and screaming ;) ) to the throne of Grace.

I have a running list of ideas to blog about...and lately, many of them revolve around this on-line dating "adventure" that I have been on for the last 9 months or so. I never cease to be amazed at the things God will teach you about Himself and yourself through the most random of circumstances, but they sure do make good stories--especially for the sister out there who may wonder if this crazy business is happening to her too!

Other ideas revolve around the day to day business of being a sinner in need of Grace, discovering who He has made me to be, and other silly little things I love, like old movies and teenage vampire novels.

Let the adventures begin!

Whispers of the Heart

One of the things that I love the most about following Jesus, is that by now I have learned, that if God brings something up in my life, I can rest assured that it will keep coming up until I understand the deeper point that He wanted me to understand. I don't have to sit for hours, agonizing and trying to figure it all out. God will, in His time, reveal.

This morning as I sat down to spend time in the word and read through my devotional (Abide), the same themes of the last month, whispered again.

  If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. ² Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ³ For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴ When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
⁵ Put to death therefore what is earthly in you: sexual immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. ⁶ On account of these the wrath of God is coming. ⁷ In these you too once walked, when you were living in them. ⁸ But now you must put them all away: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth. ⁹ Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices ¹⁰ and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge after the image of its creator. ¹¹ Here there is not Greek and Jew, circumcised and uncircumcised, barbarian, Scythian, slave, free; but Christ is all, and in all.
¹² Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, ¹³ bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. ¹⁴ And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony. ¹⁵ And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. ~ Colossians 3:1-15

Beauty

Thoughts on beauty have been pressing in over the past few months. It began when I decided it was time to try online dating. Did you ever have those times where you are surprised by a bunch of junk that comes up again when you thought you were over it? Yeah...
  
All of a sudden, there I was, back at the start...struggling with feelings of worth and beauty once again. My thoughts began to drift to, "Who will even contact the "fat" girl?"  Ugh. Really? Then there was the day, I dressed up in my most beautiful dress...and happened to be at my parents' house that day. All little girls, even the all grown up ones, want their daddy to think they are beautiful. My dad that day...said nothing. Old Agreements, 1, Freedom, 0.  And down the spiral went. 

I know deep down what's true--that in God's eyes I'm beautiful...and that's the message that I thought Jesus wanted me to understand. I think, in part, it is. My perspective has changed over the past three weeks, in part because I have resolved to trust the Lord of the Universe.  But there's also this:

" As we strive to look beautiful, we need to encourage one another to be beautiful."  That's what Colossians brings to light. Looking upward to a God that is the ONLY one who can transform our minds, our lives, and create something beautiful. He's created us beautiful, both inside and outside, and it's with a focus on His truth, that this comes into play. 
  
"When our desire for outer beauty marries our desire for inner beauty, integration will take place in our lives and we will be standing on the edge of transformation.We will be drawing into the deepening places." ~Macrina Wiederkehr

And that brings me to theme #2. Inner beauty...

Mine needs some cultivation. One area that I feel Jesus tapping on my heart is in regards to 

Thankfulness. 

 And be thankful. ¹⁶ Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. ¹⁷ And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. 

That's where my heart is going to dwell this week. More on that later...

Agreements

After graduate school was finished and the school year was winding down, I began to discover that the television binge I had been on was beginning to lose it's luster. Food was tasting like cardboard. Wine wasn't appealing. Books remained on the shelf...and phone calls were avoided.

What I didn't know...couldn't see, because I hadn't taken the time to see, was that God was moving. Like He always does, waiting to heal wounds, encourage movement, and draw near.

A few weeks ago, as this dissatisfaction with everything else was happening, I knew that I was going to be taking quite a few long car trips and so I logged onto the library website to find an audiobook to listen to on these rides. I had this sense that God had something to say, and might be leading me there...so I searched and searched through pages until I could hear that gentle spirit in me pushing me toward one over the other. It was the first time I had stopped to ask and to listen in a non-desperate moment in a long while. I suppose I had been too busy trying to fill my life with such fulfilling things.

I began listening to Walking With God: Talk to Him, Hear from Him, Really. by John Eldredge. It's a memoir of sorts, over a year of John's life as he sets out to seek God and to listen to His voice. I've known for a long time that God can be heard...I've experienced that kind of love and movement in my life before...it's the other things I didn't expect to learn, that I suspect is just what God wanted me to hear and recognize.


The book talks of agreements. Agreements that we make with the world, with lies, with ourselves, that the world is just one way over another and there is nothing that we can do to change that. That instead of running full force after the healing that God longs to our into our lives, we settle for a partial truth, a lie that life can't be more than what it is...

And that's when I began to see them. Everywhere I turned. Agreements I had made with lies from the world. Agreements that I don't need to listen to. I could trace some all the way back to their roots if I stopped to think about it...which to be honest, is not something that I really want to do. But I know that Jesus is moving. In my heart and in my life...

So for a while, my blog posts are going to be about the destruction of such agreements, and the truth that God reveals. To do that, I'm going to need to listen, and draw near...I've got to trust that God will do the rest.

Fresh Start

That was the title of the Bible app's reading plan that I found today, and it was also the spirit of my heart this night...

and it has been a long time coming. For a heart that is prone to longing, loneliness, and despair, I really needed this night with my Father. It has certainly been a sweet one.

"And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new...I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end." ~Revelation 21: 5-6

I've been walking this Christian life long enough to know that this peaceful contentedness might leave me tomorrow...that life and all its...life... might crowd back in, but I know too that God can always be found.

I know that in order to develop the heart of thankfulness and graciousness that will combat what my heart leans toward, I need to be aware of the things that are blessings, so I am beginning today with counting the things that I took the time to revel in and be truly thankful for today, not just things I saw at a passing glace.

1.) A day of healthy eating...without temptation & stuggle
2.) An unexpected long lunch with Mom
3.) Fruitful heart talks with my assistant teacher
4.) Progress in my students...even those with the most struggles
5.) Discovering the song, I Shall Believe by Matt Brouwer, and the way that it spoke to my heart today

I pray that this fresh start be truly that...in my spirit, heart, and mind.
Amen.

God of my Everything

Recently, Bebo Norman's song "God of my Everything" has been the theme song of my heart. Every cry of my heart is sung in those words and it speaks the only truth that is important at the end of the day...that He is truly God of my Everything.

"God of my hope, God of my need"
Hope...hope for the present, and hope for the future. Hope that in the present He will continue to build the community of believers that I am allowed to be a part of at Vita Nova. I am gradually getting used to the idea that it's ok that I left the church plant that I had poured my heart and life into for 3 years, and even though that still hurts and feels strange...that God gave me that gift because He is the God of my need. That I can continually get to have conversations and be part of a life where people want more of Him all the time, and truly strive to love one another where they are while all the time encouraging one another to reach for Jesus is still amazing to me. I can feel me coming alive. It makes me see my sin and my depravity more clearly, but it also makes me see grace and gifts with such clarity and freedom. Hope in the future as I am convicted to pray and trust God for a husband...that that doesn't mean I am not content. It means I am placing a desire of my heart in the hands of the Only One who is in control. And God actually loves to see me trust Him more, even as I struggle to do that.

"God of my pain that no one else will ever see"
 All the pain of life- of living with endometriosis  with all its swinging hormones and headaches and what they tell me is fibromyalgia. The physical pain of chronic illness, of struggling with feeling like a failure because I can not get my body to do what I desire it to do. That limitations that slow me down and frustrate my heart. The pain of not measuring up in so many eyes, of not being the perfection I want to be. 

"God of my healing, God of my strength"
 He is allowing me to rest...to find rest and beauty and strength in the everyday moments. He is taking this time, I know, to first heal my heart. To help me to see that I am beautiful and worthy and precious in His sight. To show me that no matter what, He is my Provider even when I am afraid and want to take control and do it all myself. That even though I am afraid of just about everything-- He is turning that fear into Faith.

"God who is always and will forever reign"
In a year where I have watched more people than I care to count choose a life that is not one with Jesus, I figure that leaves a person with two options. To press in, or give up. I don't know when or where or how I chose to press in. It looks a bit messier than my rational mind figures it should, but at the end of the day...I know that God is. And that He reigns. And I figure that's the best thing to know for sure.

I hope to blog more often than I have this past year. To use this as a place to share, and hopefully minister to others with my honesty. To show that even though I am broken, that He is

God of my Everything.