"God of my hope, God of my need"
Hope...hope for the present, and hope for the future. Hope that in the present He will continue to build the community of believers that I am allowed to be a part of at Vita Nova. I am gradually getting used to the idea that it's ok that I left the church plant that I had poured my heart and life into for 3 years, and even though that still hurts and feels strange...that God gave me that gift because He is the God of my need. That I can continually get to have conversations and be part of a life where people want more of Him all the time, and truly strive to love one another where they are while all the time encouraging one another to reach for Jesus is still amazing to me. I can feel me coming alive. It makes me see my sin and my depravity more clearly, but it also makes me see grace and gifts with such clarity and freedom. Hope in the future as I am convicted to pray and trust God for a husband...that that doesn't mean I am not content. It means I am placing a desire of my heart in the hands of the Only One who is in control. And God actually loves to see me trust Him more, even as I struggle to do that.
"God of my pain that no one else will ever see"
All the pain of life- of living with endometriosis with all its swinging hormones and headaches and what they tell me is fibromyalgia. The physical pain of chronic illness, of struggling with feeling like a failure because I can not get my body to do what I desire it to do. That limitations that slow me down and frustrate my heart. The pain of not measuring up in so many eyes, of not being the perfection I want to be.
"God of my healing, God of my strength"
He is allowing me to rest...to find rest and beauty and strength in the everyday moments. He is taking this time, I know, to first heal my heart. To help me to see that I am beautiful and worthy and precious in His sight. To show me that no matter what, He is my Provider even when I am afraid and want to take control and do it all myself. That even though I am afraid of just about everything-- He is turning that fear into Faith.
"God who is always and will forever reign"
In a year where I have watched more people than I care to count choose a life that is not one with Jesus, I figure that leaves a person with two options. To press in, or give up. I don't know when or where or how I chose to press in. It looks a bit messier than my rational mind figures it should, but at the end of the day...I know that God is. And that He reigns. And I figure that's the best thing to know for sure.
I hope to blog more often than I have this past year. To use this as a place to share, and hopefully minister to others with my honesty. To show that even though I am broken, that He is
God of my Everything.
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