Layers of Grace

It's been a long time since I have wanted to share the testimony of my faith with anyone. I have, mind, but there is something inexplicably frustrating with having to end with "and so I am holding on." Because that's what it has felt like for so long...holding on to the God I know holds the answers, holding on to the faith that I know saves, holding on to what I know is true even if I don't feel the grace and freedom he offers. And somewhere in that holding on, I forgot to live in grace.

I remember in  college where I first discovered what grace means for the first time. I remember I was home on a break, reading a book, and then my whole body shook with sobs as I recognized the impact of forgiveness of my sins, especially the ones that were so near and heartbreaking at that time of my life. I was an exceptional feeler then, and it enabled me to feel grace and live and move in a way that was exhilarating.

And while there may be nothing new on the earth, there is a new layer of grace that my Jesus has been waiting for me to find. As I work through the scriptures outlined in Becoming A Woman of Grace, I am beginning to see the freedom that his grace offers me. Through nine years of sermons on grace, thousands of conversations, I think He has been whispering reminders to my heart. But it wasn't until He allowed me to go through a recent time of feeling deep and utter condemnation for the idol I have made of comfort, that I could see and remember what exactly is so scandalous about the cross. For through the law, I recognize my sin, and through grace, I am justified forever.

For many of you, these are just more churchy words, and you still feel your nails hanging on to life by the threads of faith. Let me encourage you that those threads are strong, and to let go. God longs to pick you up. Sometimes he will use people to help in that. Sometimes not. For me, it's been a pretty solitary inner journey, but that is because God understood I would bask in approval of others and He was trying to show me that it's only His that matters. It was through all that that I realized I wasn't so solitary after all.

This faith life isn't painless. My adult years have been riddled with sickness, surgeries, insecurity, and longing. But when I don't live in grace, I forget that I already have all the comfort I need in it. And God, in his infinite wisdom, is showing me that I was already clean. And it makes me want to live and move and breathe in Him.

I will keep you updated on this journey.