I have been thinking a lot this week about how I know God is God. It's actually hard for me to pinpoint and describe because it is something that I know, deep down in that quiet and still place where things you know for sure always live. I can not look at my life and separate Him from it. I understand why someone could, as it hasn't been a long time for me where my heart has felt open to be vulnerable and needy before my Lord, and my friends. I think when we are closed inside, it's pretty hard to see anything else.
For me, my I know moment began in CCD, 25 years ago. We were reading the story of Samuel, and how God called him three times, and he went to Eli the first two, until Eli realized what was happening and told him to say "Speak Lord, for your servant is listening." My little girl heart wrapped around that story probably because Samuel was a child like me, and that night, alone in my room, afraid of the dark and falling asleep because of things that had already happened to shake my sense of safety, I remember whispering those same words, and feeling a peace like none other.
I went back to that story last night, because my heart is aching this week. Breaking with the pain of those I love, and the flutter of things I can't identify quite yet. I just knew that I needed to revisit why I know for sure, so I went back to the beginning of my God story and re-read the beginning chapters of 1 Samuel.
As a little one, I loved Samuel's story. As a woman, I understand Hannah's. Hannah wants a baby with her husband Elkanah. As polygamy is the custom of the day, he has children with his second wife Peninah. She keeps goading Hannah and causing her shame for her barren womb. I have long been touched by Hannah's push to take her neediness to God. The priest at the temple thinks her drunk, and accuses her. I think, at times in my life, if that had happened to me, I would have closed my heart, and walked away in shame and anger. But she clarifies her heart to the priest, is vulnerable and needy, and keeps on crying out to God. That is a picture of a pain-filled heart who knows her God.
Last night, I was overcome by the way that Elkanah cherished Hannah, giving her a double portion, taking her to the temple year after year to pray. I was struck by his love for her again after Samuel is born and he tells her that they will bring Samuel to the temple after he has been weaned, when he is older. He seems to know that Hannah needs to experience the infancy of this little one, as well as keep her promise to God. It is a longing of my own, especially in a week of pouring out, to be loved like that.
And then, there was Samuel's call. Samuel is a prophet. A great prophet of Israel, who hears of terrible things to come and is afraid to share them with Eli whom he loves. I am not meant to be a great prophet like the days of old, but I can identify with knowing things that don't come from myself. And that perhaps is just the start of how I know for sure. Because even as a little one, God knew I would long to be known and so he called me. Long to be understood and so He showed me another I could identify with. And even now, can use different parts of those very same passages to continue to whisper to my heart...to meet me right where I'm at, to remind me that He hears me, loves me, and that He really is.
It's a bit of a funny passage to explain why I am sure. But I think that's the beauty of God. He speaks to us all in ways we can personally understand. I feel loved tonight. Known tonight. I spent a beautiful day actually feeling comfortable in my own skin, which for a girl with one too many extra pounds can be a real feat. Like the beauty of being known and loved inside shined right through to the outside.
To He who was, who is, and always will be....Thank You.
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