Agreements

After graduate school was finished and the school year was winding down, I began to discover that the television binge I had been on was beginning to lose it's luster. Food was tasting like cardboard. Wine wasn't appealing. Books remained on the shelf...and phone calls were avoided.

What I didn't know...couldn't see, because I hadn't taken the time to see, was that God was moving. Like He always does, waiting to heal wounds, encourage movement, and draw near.

A few weeks ago, as this dissatisfaction with everything else was happening, I knew that I was going to be taking quite a few long car trips and so I logged onto the library website to find an audiobook to listen to on these rides. I had this sense that God had something to say, and might be leading me there...so I searched and searched through pages until I could hear that gentle spirit in me pushing me toward one over the other. It was the first time I had stopped to ask and to listen in a non-desperate moment in a long while. I suppose I had been too busy trying to fill my life with such fulfilling things.

I began listening to Walking With God: Talk to Him, Hear from Him, Really. by John Eldredge. It's a memoir of sorts, over a year of John's life as he sets out to seek God and to listen to His voice. I've known for a long time that God can be heard...I've experienced that kind of love and movement in my life before...it's the other things I didn't expect to learn, that I suspect is just what God wanted me to hear and recognize.


The book talks of agreements. Agreements that we make with the world, with lies, with ourselves, that the world is just one way over another and there is nothing that we can do to change that. That instead of running full force after the healing that God longs to our into our lives, we settle for a partial truth, a lie that life can't be more than what it is...

And that's when I began to see them. Everywhere I turned. Agreements I had made with lies from the world. Agreements that I don't need to listen to. I could trace some all the way back to their roots if I stopped to think about it...which to be honest, is not something that I really want to do. But I know that Jesus is moving. In my heart and in my life...

So for a while, my blog posts are going to be about the destruction of such agreements, and the truth that God reveals. To do that, I'm going to need to listen, and draw near...I've got to trust that God will do the rest.

Fresh Start

That was the title of the Bible app's reading plan that I found today, and it was also the spirit of my heart this night...

and it has been a long time coming. For a heart that is prone to longing, loneliness, and despair, I really needed this night with my Father. It has certainly been a sweet one.

"And he who was seated on the throne said, "Behold, I am making all things new...I am the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end." ~Revelation 21: 5-6

I've been walking this Christian life long enough to know that this peaceful contentedness might leave me tomorrow...that life and all its...life... might crowd back in, but I know too that God can always be found.

I know that in order to develop the heart of thankfulness and graciousness that will combat what my heart leans toward, I need to be aware of the things that are blessings, so I am beginning today with counting the things that I took the time to revel in and be truly thankful for today, not just things I saw at a passing glace.

1.) A day of healthy eating...without temptation & stuggle
2.) An unexpected long lunch with Mom
3.) Fruitful heart talks with my assistant teacher
4.) Progress in my students...even those with the most struggles
5.) Discovering the song, I Shall Believe by Matt Brouwer, and the way that it spoke to my heart today

I pray that this fresh start be truly that...in my spirit, heart, and mind.
Amen.

God of my Everything

Recently, Bebo Norman's song "God of my Everything" has been the theme song of my heart. Every cry of my heart is sung in those words and it speaks the only truth that is important at the end of the day...that He is truly God of my Everything.

"God of my hope, God of my need"
Hope...hope for the present, and hope for the future. Hope that in the present He will continue to build the community of believers that I am allowed to be a part of at Vita Nova. I am gradually getting used to the idea that it's ok that I left the church plant that I had poured my heart and life into for 3 years, and even though that still hurts and feels strange...that God gave me that gift because He is the God of my need. That I can continually get to have conversations and be part of a life where people want more of Him all the time, and truly strive to love one another where they are while all the time encouraging one another to reach for Jesus is still amazing to me. I can feel me coming alive. It makes me see my sin and my depravity more clearly, but it also makes me see grace and gifts with such clarity and freedom. Hope in the future as I am convicted to pray and trust God for a husband...that that doesn't mean I am not content. It means I am placing a desire of my heart in the hands of the Only One who is in control. And God actually loves to see me trust Him more, even as I struggle to do that.

"God of my pain that no one else will ever see"
 All the pain of life- of living with endometriosis  with all its swinging hormones and headaches and what they tell me is fibromyalgia. The physical pain of chronic illness, of struggling with feeling like a failure because I can not get my body to do what I desire it to do. That limitations that slow me down and frustrate my heart. The pain of not measuring up in so many eyes, of not being the perfection I want to be. 

"God of my healing, God of my strength"
 He is allowing me to rest...to find rest and beauty and strength in the everyday moments. He is taking this time, I know, to first heal my heart. To help me to see that I am beautiful and worthy and precious in His sight. To show me that no matter what, He is my Provider even when I am afraid and want to take control and do it all myself. That even though I am afraid of just about everything-- He is turning that fear into Faith.

"God who is always and will forever reign"
In a year where I have watched more people than I care to count choose a life that is not one with Jesus, I figure that leaves a person with two options. To press in, or give up. I don't know when or where or how I chose to press in. It looks a bit messier than my rational mind figures it should, but at the end of the day...I know that God is. And that He reigns. And I figure that's the best thing to know for sure.

I hope to blog more often than I have this past year. To use this as a place to share, and hopefully minister to others with my honesty. To show that even though I am broken, that He is

God of my Everything.

Ain't she a beauty...

This year, with all the Christmas festivities, my parents and I decided to wait until after our extended family dinner and travels to open each other's presents Christmas day. My cousin asked me before we left the family party if Santa had been good to me, and I replied that I had no idea, but I'm sure that he was. My mother whispered something conspiratorially in her ear, and she smiled and told me that Santa was in fact good to me.

Little did I know!

I'd been looking forward to getting snowshoes for Christmas as I had so much fun snowshoeing through Quabbin last year. I pretty much figured that's what I would get since it's the only thing I mentioned I wanted.

I did get snowshoes, and I thought that was more than enough. I never even imagined that the one kitchen item I dream about would be waiting for me underneath the tree!!!

I opened up this beauty and spent a few moments stroking it's beautiful box. When I finally brought it home and got it onto the counter, I spent a few more moments talking to it, and letting it know I was so glad to see it on on my counter. I know. I know. I'm strange. But I have a Kitchenaid Mixer. In teal. And it's all mine!

I had gotten a Barnes & Noble gift card from my aunt and uncle/Godfather on Christmas Eve so one of the first things I did was go online and purchase the cookbook I have had my eye on for a while:

Of course I was itching to make something that I could use my new mixer for so the first thing I did was make the Morning Glory Muffins that are inside the book!

The muffins I baked are made with almond flour, coconut oil, organic unsweetened coconut, carrots, apples, eggs, and craisins (changed from the recipe which called for raisins). The mixer basically did all the work for me as I put all the ingredients into the bowl and let it mix and mix until the batter was nice and creamy.

The muffins are earthy and rich, while still having a light sweet flavor. I've eaten them every day this week, and they have been very filling. I am a girl who craves protein so it was a nice protein-hearty, healthy way to start  my days this week. Please leave a message if you'd like the recipe or email me! I'd love to share. Of course, I made sure to share some of my muffins with "Santa".

Morning Glory Muffin Joy

Gold Stars, Good God

My cute cousin Melissa and I

Year after year, the new year begins, and there we have the dilemma of the New Year's resolution. Mine is always weight loss. Every new year, I think, "This is it. This will be the year." and then somehow I defeat myself with my overly high expectations and lofty goals.

That's what happened following January of 2011. From January until April there was the crazy spiral of weight loss expectations and failures, which only resulted in more eating out of frustration and need of comfort.

I went to Disney World for my 30th birthday in April with two of my cutest and skinniest friends, and was so discouraged with myself. But, I also had some time on my trip to spend learning more and more about grace, and God's deep and abiding love for me. And when I returned home, I knew that I needed to trust Him, and His goodness enough to give this area of my life over to Him. And so I do...every single day. Some days are better than others.


I joined Weight Watchers in the middle of May, and to date have lost 45 pounds. It's easy sometimes to either berate ourselves into trusting God more or get self-righteous when we have accomplished some of our goals...

so my New Year's resolution this year is to lean into my relationship with Jesus, and to continue to give Him thanks and praise for the things He helps me to do.

This year is going to be amazing. I know it. I can feel it.There's a lot more weight to lose, and a lot more to learn about Jesus.

I'm ready! Bring it on!!

Cherishing Christmas

It was a beautiful Christmas this year. It came at the end of a whirl-wind time in my life, although it has rarely been so lovely. My grandfather passed away in early November, followed by the death of a college friend. Even though the grief was softened by the assurance of heaven, it still knocks a girl down for a while. When all that was over, I felt pressure (from the Spirit and from circumstance)  to make some painful church decisions before I felt ready, and so I was  approaching Christmas in much the same way that I found myself approaching the throne of God: with a broken-heart and a weary spirit.

And God...in His usual way, met me right there with love. It never ceases to amaze me that all the little things in life that bring smiles and joy are like little drops of peace from Him that spread into my chest and fill me with that feeling that no matter what, He's in  control, and He gives me courage to breathe, and move, and love more.

Christmas is...loving family. These are my adorable cousins Brayden & Caleb.

I needed that reminder that I didn't have to hold it all together. Grief is hard for me because I am a slow processor. I don't cry in what seem like the "normal" times. I grieve inwardly, and mourn silently, and because of that I often feel like I need to take care of everyone else because I'm seemingly "fine". I imagine Jesus laughs at these assumptions that He needs me to take care, needs me to hold it all together. More and more, I see that these are just ideas I have gotten from life and it's journey, and that doesn't necessarily make them all true.

Beautiful Christmas Moments = Watching my nephews enjoy their first Christmas ever! In the background is my Mom, Dad, and big brother (their Dad).  *love*

Things I've learned these past few months:

1. If all we have to give is just a little bit, give it away anyway. There's enough mercy and grace from Jesus to cover the rest that we simply don't have to give, but it does us no good to hoard what we have got all to ourselves.  Mother Theresa once said, I have found the paradox that if I love until it hurts, then there is no more hurt, only more love. There may be something to that after all.

2.  Faith takes courage. Sometimes that's the courage to do the thing that will hurt us, or to do the thing that might make someone else mad. But in the end, there's more faith in taking a step than there will ever be in remaining in the same place because it seems like it might be easier. God never says that step will be full of ease and void of pain...but faith like that brings growth. And no matter what we think...we all want to grow.

3. God is enough.
 
                                                                                 Amen.

Christmas is...enjoying simple treats & sharing them too!

                                                  Oatmeal White Chocolate Cranberry Cookies

2/3 cup Smart Balance 50/50 (half margarine, half butter)
2/3 cup brown sugar
2 large eggs
1 1/2 cups Gluten-free Rolled Oats ( I used Bob's Red Mill brand)
1 1/2 cups Gluten-free flour ( I used Domata Living Flour)
1 tea. baking soda
1 6 ou. package of Craisins (where I found this recipe!)
1 bar Ghirardelli White Chocolate baking bar broken into chunks

Preheat oven to 375. Using an electric mixer, beat butter/margarine and sugar together in a bowl until light and fluffy. Add eggs,mixing well. Combine oats, flour, baking soda, and salt in a separate mixing bowl. Add to butter mixture in several additions, mixing well after each addition. Stir in dried cranberries and white chocolate. The recipe said to drop by rounded teaspoons and bake, but I don't know if it's because mine are GF, but I needed to roll a ball and then flatten it a bit with my fingers or a spoon for them to look like proper cookies. Bake 12 minutes until golden brown and then move to a wire rack.

Enjoy, and remember to share the Love!

November Foods: A Photo Collage

Chipotle Deviled Eggs (I added the chipotle as my own addition)

Parmesan Garlic Stuffed Mushrooms

The mushrooms and eggs were my contribution to a Murder-Mystery dinner, An Affair to Dismember, in which I got to be the killer....dun, dun, dun. The pork and cupcakes are the dinner items I made for the Mount Holyoke girls in my church dinner group. Please click on the links under each picture for info on the recipes. They were all super easy! I added some sprinkled cinnamon to the cupcakes that you may not find on the link. The last cake I made by hand from a picture of a monarch I found on-line for my favorite girl's 5th birthday party.

Prosciutto-Wrapped Pork with Sweet Potatoes and Pears

Pumpkin Cupcakes  (with my own home-made dairy-free vanilla frosting with cinnamon)