I saw the sign...

Today, as I was driving back from the gym, I came to a corner in Holyoke where a man was holding up a sign that had what looked like an old school cd player that he was holding onto the back. Now it's 23 degrees outside and I had no desire to roll down my window to hear what was being said but the sign said "TRUST JESUS" in huge red letters. I smiled and nodded which is my usual way of acknowledging such things. Perhaps it is my way of saying, "Yup, ok, I know this Jesus. We're down" and also probably a little bit of  "Really, a sign? Is this necessary?".  and an annoyed sprinkle of  "You do realize you very well may cause an accident with this distraction, right?"

But what do I know? I suppose God can use whoever He wants to say whatever He wants to say. Perhaps some person was having one of those mornings we all have where nothing seems to go right, and we begin wallowing and pitying ourselves down this road of believing there is nothing bigger than ourselves and our little world. Maybe, just maybe? that kind of sign is just the reminder they need to turn their eyes back to the One who made it all.

But if you don't believe in Jesus at all...or life isn't so simple (and really, when is it?) does that sign change from a gentle love tap of our Savior into a taunting condemnation? Because to me, seeing this huge sign when in the midst of life and its twists and turns, could make one want to shout, "OKAY! How does one even DO that?"

And isn't that the real question...of the faithful, of the searching, of the clinging on by just a thread? I do believe, help me in my unbelief.

Trust-- that is an action packed word. And I love Jesus from the tips of my toes on up. But trust, that doesn't come easy. I've learned however, it doesn't come with a choice either. I either believe that my God is good, know that He is Sovereign even when I don't understand why things are going the way that they are, or I don't. And that place of I don't believe is way too dark and lonely for me to want to go near.

I have been struck by the comparision of my faith walk to a river as of late. I have been teaching a pretty cool unit on rivers to my second graders and the aerial shots are cool to see...how so many little tributaries gather together to form the larger river which is always flowing, always reaching toward the mouth, where it opens into the sea and becomes swallowed up in something more. Driving over the bridge next to my house and seeing the water in the Connecticut frozen mid movement was significant as well. Fire is so destructive...burning and laying waste to things in it's path...but ice...ice is scary too, because that river had been flowing, moving, reaching, when the cold came and froze it mid-stream. The river didn't freeze smoothly, it looked as though there were a fight between the elements and it froze all the way down in upward chunks of life frozen mid stage. It will be interesting to watch that river thaw in the springtime...

Because I think that's been my life...thawing. I used to be all fire...passionate, feeling, throwing caution to the wind. And in God's blessed way of making me mature, thankfully with time has come temperance. But part of me got frozen in a four year winter of ice. Lately, I have been learning that I have been created to love a certain way, and that even when I know it will cause me pain, I would rather love my friends and family the way we all want to be loved...and that I need to trust that even if it does hurt me, Jesus is big enough to handle that too. I carve out time to meet with the girls because I know it is needed. Even if I am tired and achy and at the end of me, I know that I can do it and I should do it. I love my friends who don't understand the biggest parts of me because maybe they are searching for someone to understand the deepest parts of them. I love my selfish friends and family who don't even know they are selfish even if they don't know how to apologize in a meaningful way. I know I have been all of those people to someone else somewhere along the road...the selfish friend, the misunderstanding one, the one who needs advice. And I know, that I have been loved the way I so want to love. It hasn't been an easy month. Old demons that I thought had long been conquered came a haunting, and lots of running to Jesus was needed. There were a lot of secret tears, and a lot of wanting to let the cold freeze up my journey. But I'm still fighting, still moving.

So I suppose one little sign can do something. It made me write this...

Trust Jesus. 

So simple...and yet...